Submitted by Breaking and Entering Editor,
KLANG: Law violators across Malaysia have taken heed of the Prime Minister’s call for national unity and agreed to perform more ‘non-index’ crimes in relation to index crimes to assist the government meet its National Key Result Area (NKRA) crime Index targets for this election year.
“We criminals want to do our part to support 1Malaysia,” said professional gangster Kid Kangkung, “I used to do a lot of armed gang robberies which PERMANDU classified as an Index Crime under 397 of the penal code. To help keep the national Crime Index down, I’m only committing ‘Theft with Preparation to Cause Hurt or Death’ which is not an Index Crime under Section 382 of the Penal code.”
“I can really feel the difference,” said one regular crime victim, “During a ‘397’ gang robbery the robber brandishes his parang while he threatens me, but with the new ‘Code 382’ violations, he just keeps it partially concealed while taking all my valuables. It’s a world of difference and a relief to know even criminals are helping our government look good.”
We are a lot more careful when we burgle houses now,” said Git You Suka a criminal specializing in home robbery, “in order to ensure our work is only classified under Section 452 or 453 ‘House Break-In with Preparation made for Causing Hurt’, I have to make sure I steal just enough so that the victim cant prove I stole anything at the time I broke in. Otherwise it would be under Index Crime Section 457 (House Break-In to Commit an Offence Punishable with Imprisonment.) That’s why it’s better to target the elderly these days. They are more likely to forget all the stuff I took when giving a police report.
A police spokesman told FMN, “The key to achieving low crime statistics is simply not classifying incidents that may stop Malaysia achieving the required national targets. Seriously, if corrupt politicians stealing public sector funds was counted as an index crime, then we police can all forget about getting a yearly bonus.”