JOHANNESBURG: In the well-to-do suburb of Sandton, a group of apartment owners at the exclusive African Winds Apartments have had enough of the antics of misbehaving tenants and issued a ban to all Malaysians. The decision was made last week at the owner’s Annual General Meeting and FMN was on hand to speak to a few of the owners.
“Malaysians are real trouble makers,” said one African, “they stay up all night playing video games and yodeling horrible songs into their karaoke sets. It keeps the devil away but still, my kids can’t get any sleep! I spied on them one night and realised their men are secretly homosexuals. Why else would they secretly wrap these colourful checkered dresses around their waist?”
“Some Malaysian people are really really smelly,” another African confessed, “It’s because they always cook with garlic and chilli. It stinks up the whole condo! There is this rotten mush they call belachan which smells so bad even my witch doctor cant remove its evil from my apartment. Many African tenants have moved out in disgust so even more Malaysians can move in! I want them to take their empty Maggi noodle cups and go find somewhere else to live. I can’t even find a buyer for my apartment now because nobody wants to live near these guys!”
Another African condo dweller said, “Sometimes when I’m going up in the elevator at night some Malaysians will get in with me and I become very afraid. One family from KL had two girls and each child had a Hello Kitty voodoo doll. It’s terrifying to think what kind of evil rituals they might be doing in their apartment!”
“I’m all for racial harmony and all that United Colors of Benetton stuff but not around here. It’s having a devastating affect on what matters most in life which is the value of my property portfolio. I own three apartments at the Condo and prices have been steadily falling since the Malaysians moved in.”