Submitted by Secret Handshake Editor,
SELANGOR: Informant and Investigator Suresh Singh is used to being on the move. He is also used to being coerced to deny by way of a second statutory declaration almost any of his revelations as well. This week he uncovered something after which his life will never be the same.
“This is huge,” he told FMN on an encrypted line from his current hideout, “unregistered secret gangs whose members have infiltrated the highest levels of government in Malaysia but after all these years we have been completely unaware of their presence!”
“I could tell you the names of some members, but it’s simply not worth it. FMN can’t guarantee my safety. No one can. Their gang member spies can be anywhere, and the last guy who talked got hit pretty hard with some heavy algebra and arithmetic progression. He was never the same after that. Now we all know the first rule of Math Club is you do not talk about Math Club!”
Math Club refers to a gang of 1970’s economics students at the University of Nottingham who were unable to get into the more exciting college societies like fencing or golf. These bow-legged Malaysian youths formed an organisation where they could explore the mysteries of numbers and also why the fake numbers given to them by the girls they met at parties never seemed to work.
“Math Club founders preyed on rich geeky scholarship children like the current Prime Minister and his brothers,” said a source, “but few now know the equations derived in Math Club are still in use today to calculate complicated commission payments on Malaysian infrastructure projects.”
“The dilemma we faced when we started math club was who would lead the society? Young Najib immediately stepped up and borrowed heavily from the college canteen fund to finance a dazzling election campaign covering campus with posters of himself. Regrettably after he was given the leadership he couldn’t pay back the canteen deficit monies he had spent. Later Najib was forced to increase soda prices by 20 pence a litre. His reputation took a beating from there and I remember him saying, ‘Big deficit campaigns like this are such a desperate way to get elected. I won’t do anything like that again for sure!'”
“I don’t see what the problem is,” said an investigating officer of the Malaysian Special Branch, “many have repented for their behavior and resigned from their gangs. It’s known the Deputy PM was former chair of the Scrabble Gang. Also the Defense Minister was a Knight in the Eaton school chess club which explains why he only walks two steps forward and one to the right or left. Anyway, as long as they aren’t a member of any opposition parties, we don’t really mind!”