Submitted by Flawless Democracy Editor,
KUALA LUMPUR: Sports Minister and UMNO heart throb Khairy Jamaluddin is poised to easily retain his Youth presidency. This weekend, 70,000 Youth members will vote in a classic Malaysian free and fair election.
“I just love a good democratic election!” said Khairy to reporters, “late night chartered flights, tasty indelible ink, helicopter drops and post ballot power cuts. This time, I think grassroots UMNO voters want a bigger say in who their party leaders will be. I have no problem with that just so long as its me they are talking about.”
But forgettable challenger Syed Rosli part of the Anything But Khairy (ABK) movement is not impressed, “Khairy has been smuggling in Nepalese, Bangladesh and Indonesian workers and giving them UMNO Youth membership cards for tomorrow’s polls! I thought we were meant to be a blindly pro-bumiputera party but it seems supporting other races is fine so long as they keep you rich and in power!”
Khairy was quick to respond to the allegation, “Listen, other than your video evidence of vote-buying, leaked chartered plane schedules ,and dozens of personal testimonies, you don’t have any evidence this UMNO Youth election is rigged! You challengers all need to stop being such cry babies and accept the results when they invariably don’t go your way! This is how democracy in Malaysia works, and it works out pretty well for us incumbents!”
“I don’t think any of us can actually beat Khairy,” moaned challenger Irwan Ambak, “voters don’t know who we are or what we could do if elected because we haven’t been allowed to campaign! Until a few days ago all we could do is walk around and wave at supporters like a it’s a Miss Malaysia beauty pageant, and we all know K.J. has won several of those! Khairy has an unfair advantage, he can go about his Sports Ministerial duties in such a public way that he can drum up party support and it isn’t considered campaigning!”
A MACC spokesman told FMN, “We would love to clean up this election, but we have been told only the UMNO disciplinary committee can get involved in party affairs. How can you expect a part of the government to independently watch over itself?” he said momentarily forgetting the MACC is a division of the Prime Minister’s Department.
Frustrated challenger Abdul Karim has resorted to therapy to deal with the pressure of campaigning, “Doctor, I’m so angry all the time. Our party polls aren’t fair and are fraught with so much vote-buying and election rigging! Our democratic system is ridiculously skewed to favor those in charge and because it works for them, they have no incentive to fix it! We who oppose them might have new ideas and want change, but I don’t know if we will ever get the chance! I just wish I could speak to someone who understands how I feel!”
“Well,” replied psychiatrist Dr Rashid, “have you tried talking to 53% of GE13 voters? you might have more in common with them than you think!”