Government fights discrimination against racist newspaper

Submitted by GLC Coercion Editor,

Utusan often deploy fictional journalism and pseudonyms and to get its message across.  Senior FMN Editor Hu Ah Yu deplores losers who resort to such pathetic tactics.
Utusan often deploy fictional journalism and pseudonyms to get its sinister message across.  Senior Fake Malaysia News Editor Hu Ah Yu deplores losers who resort to such desperately pathetic tactics and said “we would never do that!”

KUALA LUMPUR:  Circulation of bahasa newspaper Utusan, has dropped by 25% in the past 4 years according to the latest figures, and this has worried lovers of fact free racist mud-slinging that perhaps their message is not getting across.  Of particular concern to the government-owned smear machine is that well-paying advertisers are putting their marketing dollars to work in more respected publications.

“Utusan are in trouble and we lawyers support any government intervention to save it,” Malaysian Bar Council President Suresh Singh told FMN,  “Not having Utusan around would be a disaster for the Malaysian legal profession.  Think of all the defamation case legal fees we would miss out on!”

“It’s so unfair,” wrote Utusan Deputy Editor in Chief Mohd Zaini Hassan in an editorial noticed only when reprinted in credible papers, “Other publications get much more advertising revenue than we do.  Why should GLCs only buy Ad space in newspapers that people actually read?  It’s totally discriminatory!  Fear of being associated with a bigoted right-wing integrity free toilet rag that will invariably damage one’s business reputation is no excuse.  To avoid Utusan like this is obviously racist, and I thought that was supposed to be our job!”

Malaysian pet shop owners have long supported the use of Utusan as poop tray lining in any pet cages except those that contain 'running dogs.'
Malaysian pet shop owners are still big supporters of Utusan.  As a Malay publication, it is not permitted as poop tray lining in pet cages containing ‘running dogs.’

“So Utusan did what any well-connected, but inept Malaysian organisation does when facing adversity.  Instead of improving our publication and raising our standards to respond to the competitive media environment, we ran like cry babies to the government for assistance.  When the going gets tough, the tough get grovelling for a bailout.  We have more Government liaison officers working for us than journalists anyway so we  put them all to good use.”

“So many opposition publications portray UMNO leaders as out of touch money wasting idiots,” said Deputy Finance Minister Ahmad Maslan boarding a private jet bound for lunch across town, “we need Utusan to uphold the racist struggle and create a desired perspective for readers who are tired of facts.  Utusan is apparently still more credible than media websites who never seem to get printing licenses anyway.  Spin is fine so long as the government ultimately wins the perception war.  It’s just a pity so few people buy the crap we are trying to sell them!”

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