Criminals ordered to run slower as police too overworked to work out

Police are dedicated to busting crime even if it does mean busting some pants

PENANG: Today one of the nation’s estimated 11,000 obese policeman asked crooks flee crime scenes at a slower pace as they were too overworked to be fit enough to pursue them.

“Criminals need to respect enforcement authorities by running slower, said Constable Abdullah bin Bakar over his second helping of murtabak and teh tarik, “we police can hardly chase them down these days.  Street cops don’t have time to exercise or eat healthy because of our workloads!”

“I start my day closely patrolling several mamaks on Lebuh Pasar.  Then I wait for snatch thieves at this assam laksa place. I have a regular meeting with fellow officers at Khaleel Nasi Kandar for lunch.   My afternoon illegal immigrant watch is near this restaurant that serves delicious pasembor rojak.  Then I only have time for a quick mixed rice on my way home!”

“The public have no idea how dangerous it is to be a Penang policeman.  Have you seen my cholesterol?  It’s through the roof!”

Policeman calling for backup, then pizza.


It is recommended Single women stick close to a police officer for safety and also the shade some officers provide.
It is recommended single women stick close to police officers for safety, and also for the ample shade robust officers provide on hot days.

“Last week a Penang Constable suffered a ‘pants-based wardrobe malfunction’ as he chased down a snatch thief!” the Inspector continued, “the suspect, a 72-year-old one-legged man outran the constable and hid behind a Gurney Drive hawker centre.  The thief was eventually apprehended, but only after a few plates of satay and char kuey teow!”

To keep traffic moving, some of the larger officers have been deployed as mobile roundabouts.
To keep rush hour traffic moving, some of the larger officers have been deployed as mobile roundabouts.


Last year’s Bomba Calendar was popular with ladies. Police hope their own ‘2016 abang polis hensem’ calendar will also be well received.

As he prepared to go home, a tired Constable Abdullah received a distress call, “seems there’s trouble at Victoria Station Grill.   Tonight will be another all night ‘steak out!'”

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