20 Typically Malaysian News Stories You Will Read In 2017

Submitted by senior field correspondent EJ;

1. A foreign worker will slash another foreign worker because of a love triangle involving a third foreign worker.All three foreign workers will be from different countries.

2. A random snake will be wound up around a toilet bowl in a suburban town and scare the lady who saw it when she went to pee, resulting in an interview and half a page of news with a picture of 8 people holding up the confused and bored snake.

3. A man will get his penis stuck in a penis ring, requiring half of the nearest Bomba to come save it.

4. A random all girls school will experience mass hysteria. Only students but two teachers will be affected.

5. A random senior government official will be arrested at his corner lot luxurious house for graft 10 years after he bought his 6th sport car.

6. A random celebrity will start a kedai makan/kedai tudung/perfume.Shop will usually be called D ‘ xxx where xxx is the celebrity’s name.

7. Last 3 month’s random D’xxx celebrity will wind down a kedai makan/kedai tudung/perfume and blame the non-celebrity partner.

8. A random food item will be in the centre of a national halal debate.

9. One of four politicians will say something so abjectly stupid you had to read it four times to see if you were hallucinating. And Malaysians will make noise for four days before patiently waiting the next statement.

10. A random restaurant will post a snarky reply to a complaint on their Facebook page resulting in a 3 day rage by Netizens.Random restaurant will then apologize and random government agency will say they are investigating possible crime.

11. A random overweight person will be airlifted by a Nuri to the nearest hospital where he/she will pledge to change his/her life. Two months later they will do a story on how that person lost 70kg and can now walk with aid.

12. A random food vendor will be retiring because all his/her children refuse to take over and no one wants to buy his/her place over.Random food vendor is sad even though he/she is quite rich and once served famous people,usually including a random Sultan/Prime Minister.

13. A random gangster gets shot at a traffic light. Police apparently have been looking for him and he has 48 prior charges and two buang negeri orders but he is in his own hometown all along and by most accounts, he was actually a really nice guy.

14. A random group of students either climbed Everest or landed on either Pole but no one gives a fuck anymore.

15. Random white person relocates to Malaysia and eats durian/belacan/nasi lemak and speaks 4 phrases in BM is news hero for a day and used as poster boy for why some Chinese cannot speak BM.

16. Random animal or insect will suddenly appear en masse somewhere.The next day a biologist will appear in that same news spot explaining why the animal or insect is there and how it is actually harmless, but if it attacks you, be sure to seek medical help.

17. Random award granted to random famous person in Malaysia, only to be clarified next day that the award is a bogus one. Random person will then claim to not have asked for the award and returns it.

18. Random Singaporean will show some random cibai attitude at shopowner/officer/fellow driver and get arrested and fined.

19. Random public temple committee disagreement involving a procession and/or temple funds and/or a foreign priest and/or a local politician.

20. A new generic theme park/shopping mall development opens up and an old uncle who worked in the random kedai lama that was there for 300 years will reminisce the old times and how he once served a random retired Prime Minister.

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