Your 2017 Rooster Year Horoscope

It’s time once again to sober up our recently paroled resident feng shui expert Master Kok, and ask him what fame and fortune awaits us for the coming year!

Rooster: Born in 2005, 1993, 1981, 1969, 1957,

Well this is embarrassing.  That penis ring your girlfriend gave you is coming off easily.

Dog: Born in 2006, 1994, 1982, 1970, 1958, 1946, 1934, 1922

Stressed with your football team yet to score, you leave the game to get a massage.  Sadly, neither has a happy ending.

Boar or Pig: Born in 2007, 1995, 1983, 1971, 1959, 1947, 1935, 1923

That stupid cousin you don’t like is still using his Galaxy Note 7 and annoyingly, the fucking thing still hasn’t exploded on him.

Rat: Born in 2008, 1996, 1984, 1972, 1960, 1948, 1936, 1924

They all laughed when you said you’re a professional gambler, and now you’ve won your first million!  Unfortunately it’s in Indonesian rupiah.

Ox or Bull: Born in 2009, 1997, 1985, 1973, 1961, 1949, 1937, 1925

Your vow to walk off off unwanted fat seems limited to trips between your table and the seafood lunch buffet.

Tiger: Born in 2010, 1998, 1986, 1974, 1962, 1950, 1938, 1926

The sexy lover you met online says they get turned on by the sound of your voice, particularly when your reading your credit card numbers to them over the phone.

Rabbit: Born 2011, 1999, 1987, 1975, 1963, 1951, 1939, 1927

You take a second job as an Uber driver only to most of the time you’re in traffic driving yourself to your first job.

Dragon: Born in 2012, 2000, 1988, 1976, 1964, 1952, 1940, 1928

If you’re a dragon like me, you find yourself getting angry at people who question you.  Don’t believe me?  Well that’s just your stupid problem.

Snake: Born in 2013, 2001, 1989, 1977, 1965, 1953, 1941, 1929

You decide to share lots of articles on Facebook because your way too busy to read them yourself.

Horse: Born in 2014, 2002, 1990, 1978, 1966, 1954, 1942, 1930, 1918

You waste two hours of your life watching a stupid movie that can’t even be bothered to join a cinematic universe.

Sheep, Ram or Goat: Born in 2015, 2003, 1991, 1979 ,1967, 1955, 1943, 1931,

You get a nose job, tummy tuck, liposuction, breast implants, face lift and personality overhaul vowing no matter what life throws at you to always be the same person people know and love.

Monkey: Born in 2016, 2004, 1992, 1980, 1968, 1956, 1944, 1932,

You are vulnerable to being cheated by scam artists this year, and find yourself encountering shady get rich quick schemes.

To stop this happening and protect your wealth, I suggest you attend my RM10,000  ‘Be a Billionaire Tomorrow’ intensive training course.

Editor’s Note.
FMN would like to sincerely wish those who are celebrating a healthy prosperous Chinese New Year!

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